Dealing With Christmas Crowds

I think I'd rather celebrate 10 expensive office Christmas parties in a row than deal with Christmas crowds. But who says I have a choice?

Thank goodness for online shopping -- because those screeching Christmas crowds make me want to hole up in some dark, quiet place with a gallon of eggnog and a tub of Pumpkin Spice ice cream. For about a year. Seriously, how can there possibly be so many human beings in my little corner of the world?

And how is it that, during a holiday season supposedly predicated on peace, they can so thoroughly forget how to be human beings? I'm not talking about all the bratty little kids running around; that's expected. Even the sullen teens aren't too annoying (being sullen is a teen's job). It's the grown-ups who are really scary.

Shopping Fever

What on Earth gets into people when they're trying to find the latest Tickle-Me Elmo or pink Mighty Morphin Power Ranger -- or whatever the case happens to be this year? (I think it's those silly Furbys again. Oy!).

It starts with fighting over parking spaces, with normally rational people hovering like vultures at the near ends of the rows, blocking the way for everyone else so they can get a nearby parking space when one opens up...rather than parking further out and walking some of the padding off their derrieres.

Admittedly, at some shopping malls, the only empty lots this time of year are located in the next town over, but still.

Peace On Earth, Good Will Toward -- Hey!

Let he who has not had the last available popular toy snatched from his hand, cast the first Nerf ball. Once you get in the store, things turn into a huge free-for-all that the poor clerks are at their wit's end trying to control. By December 15, most of them have just given up.

Weird, isn't it, that grown-ups turn into such big babies when it comes to Christmas shopping? Heaven forbid that their little angels not get precisely the Christmas gifts they demand. If someone threatens you with violence to get a toy, give it to them before they deck you. Because some of them will.

What Would Jesus Do?

I'll tell you what He'd do. He'd probably give you all a good talking to for turning His birthday into something easily mistaken for a pay-per-view pro-wrestling extravaganza. I think He'd be a little disappointed. No water into wine for you, fella.

Having experienced it all too many times, especially when hunting for last minute Christmas presents, I suspect neither the Rock nor The Undertaker would dare set foot inside a toy store during Christmas season.

But thank you, Lord and Savior, for Your Internet. I know that's why You've made online shopping so easy: so we can save ourselves from the Christmas crowds.

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